The Gap Between Us #5: The Administration of Anal Sex

When you think about it, it’s strange. Why is it that a man putting his penis into another man’s anus—or even a man putting another man’s penis into his own anus—invites such terrifying stigma? It’s not entirely wrong to say that this hole wasn’t originally “meant” for that purpose, but there’s no law saying it can’t be used differently, and there are always methods for doing so. When people are pressed, they find ways.

Anal sex is a fairly technical kind of sex. Without proper preparation and process, there are several variables that can lead to accidents. That said, this is true—perhaps to different degrees—of vaginal penetration and other kinds of sex as well. When grown adults undress and engage with one another, there are obvious considerations required for the experience to be acceptable to all involved. The movement against sexual violence surrounding #MeToo is precisely about establishing minimal agreements around such considerations. Here, assuming careful consent and the building of intimacy before sex, I want to talk about the various administrative tasks that come with anal sex.

One element that makes anal sex technical lies in the anal itself. Preparing the anus and rectum for penile penetration is the first administrative hurdle. As mentioned earlier, using an organ for purposes other than its conventional function is a matter of personal freedom—but that freedom carries significant responsibility. This is especially true when baseless stigma, like many social taboos, lurks around the act.

Stigma is stigma, and sex is sex. If you decide to have anal sex, you will choose to be either the top or the bottom. For bottoms, the act of clearing foreign matter from the rectum is colloquially called senjoi. The term, borrowed from Japanese for “cleansing,” originally referred to washing oneself after defecation in prisons. It typically involves removing a shower head and directing water into the anus, filling the rectum with an appropriate amount of water, and expelling it into the toilet—repeating this process several times. Some heterosexuals call this unhygienic, but you can rest assured: due to water pressure, it is nearly impossible for rectal matter to contaminate the shower hose.

The real problem arises when the water pressure is too strong and the rectum becomes overly filled. Beyond washing away protective mucus layers—which is unhealthy—the water can get trapped in the sigmoid colon between the rectum and the colon, making it difficult to fully expel. If sex proceeds in that state, one risks what people crudely describe as “splashing fecal water during sex.” This is why it’s important to gauge the depth and volume of water needed—adjusting pressure and amount to what is necessary for penetration. This kind of intuition only comes with experience. What matters most, then, is finding a partner who can consider these variables and unexpected situations with care. That is why careful consent matters.

Tops have their own difficulties. After a bottom finishes senjoi, the rectum often needs to be gradually expanded to a state suitable for penetrative sex. Some people require no preparation at all; others cannot reach an adequate level no matter how much care is taken. Crucially, this process is often not very sexy or appealing in the flow of sex. The task of expansion is frequently left to the top, and this can result in pain if the top’s fingernails scratch the inside of the anus, or uncertainty about whether the expansion is progressing properly. On top of that, the top must maintain an erection throughout this decidedly unsexy process.

For those less experienced with anal sex, the most reliable approach—for both rectal health and sexual flow—is often for the bottom to insert their own fingers to expand the anus and then slowly lower themselves onto the top’s penis. Because multiple layers of tissue inside the rectum need detailed adjustment to open properly, it’s best handled by the person who can feel and control the degree of insertion. Of course, the gay community is not a utopia free from traditional gender norms. This approach or position can make the top appear “incompetent” or the bottom seem excessively “slutty.” Gender norms are precisely the kind of burdensome nonsense that operate without clear reason, yet function all the same.

Taboos and fears surrounding anal sex disproportionately target the person being penetrated rather than the penetrator. Truly smooth sex is when such hierarchies and risks are carefully adjusted and compensated for through mutual consent. Only then can inserting one’s penis into another’s rectum—or receiving another’s penis—be experienced not as external coercion, but as a chosen form of sexual excitement. In this sense, the administration of anal sex is not about defiantly performing a sex others despise; it is about concretely aligning techniques of agreement with one’s partner to make the sex more pleasurable and joyful in the situation at hand.

The pleasure of anal sex reached through such processes undeniably exists. Assuming that penetrative sex is not the sole source of pleasure, there is a distinct share of enjoyment available through anal penetration. Tops experience pleasure from the sensation of being enveloped; bottoms experience pleasure from stimulation of the prostate through the rectal wall. Above all, properly prepared and executed anal sex should never hurt the bottom. If the pain is unbearable, something is wrong. Anal sex should not hurt—or should hurt far less—and this cannot be achieved by a top simply thrusting into an anus without preparation.

This is why “anal sex is a human right.” Anal sex is a human right because, in order to practice a socially taboo form of sex, those involved have debated it more than heterosexuals, and have invented more techniques for relationships, health, and pleasure that exceed heterosexual misunderstandings. The core of all minority rights movements lies in dismantling oppressive social norms while reconstituting them from the standpoint of those concerned. There is a history within the gay community of refusing to abandon so-called “dirty” anal sex despite being showered with slurs, and instead working to make that sex safer and less hazardous. Whatever anyone says, that history deserves the name of human rights.

This leads me to wonder: how much do heterosexuals actually know about—or practice—this administration of anal sex? I’ve heard that heterosexuals also engage in anal sex fairly often, but while I’ve heard heterosexuals worry about fecal residue on shower hoses when gays do senjoi, I’ve rarely heard of heterosexuals actually performing senjoi before anal sex. Are they really just doing it without preparation? While people with very healthy bowels may not have much in their rectum at any given time, this is not always the case—and proceeding without preparation seems questionable. Kate Millett’s feminist classic Sexual Politics opens with an episode in which a white male slave owner forcibly penetrates the “smelly” anus of a Black enslaved woman. Before even considering anal sex, this is clearly sexual violence. Without any administration of the anus, the woman would have suffered extreme pain. I worry that heterosexuals may still be mistaking relationships close to sexual violence for anal sex.

A gay colleague who is out once told me this story. A younger female coworker asked him what to do because her boyfriend kept demanding anal sex. After briefly considering whether he should at least teach her senjoi, he instead carefully advised her to end the relationship. While consensual anal sex between men and women is possible, as discussed earlier, gender operates precisely because it functions without reason. Correcting the hierarchy of stigma between penetrator and penetrated—and reaching a point where pleasure is shared between individuals—is what constitutes the administration of anal sex and true sexual consent. As a saying goes, a man who genuinely cares about a woman never leaves her confused. Compared to the accumulated weight of sexual discourse within the gay community, I sincerely hope that some light will also dawn on the sex of a heterosexual society steeped in age-old domination.

Recently, a new sexually transmitted infection associated with anal sex has been circulating. The disease may be unfamiliar, but the risks and stigma surrounding it are not. As we’ve seen, sex has always been a negotiation with risk for the gay community—and an invention of relational techniques to avoid that risk. Many in this community are both stakeholders and experts in dealing with such dangers. They also know how irresponsible it is to simply say, “Don’t have sex.” Erasing the existence, actions, and desires of socially taboo groups according to outsiders’ wishes is the most irresponsible response of all. There are ways to protect our health, safety, and dignity without erasing our desires and sex. As always, we will find the answer.

* The episode of sexual violence involving a white slave owner and a Black enslaved woman is referenced from Norman Mailer’s An American Dream (1965), as discussed in:
Kate Millett, Sexual Politics, trans. Kim Yu-kyung, Sam & Parkers, 2020 [1969], pp. 42–55.

Chingusai / Teoul (터울)